I've looked everywhere and cannot find a working Windows 95 CD. I want a fully functional, Win95 bootable install disk. Where on earth can I find one? Everything fails!

If you are willing to pay a little for it, you can find it at NexTag for around $25-30.
http://www.nextag.com/window-95/search-html?nxtg=f9f80a24051f-E1CAF7F779A065EC

Or you can try this BootDisk site. I know nothing about it, but he advertises Win95 boot disks.
http://www.bootdisk.com/bootdisk.htm

Try Ebay or maybe a computer shop. They might have on laying around. You might even try a second hand store like Goodwill or Salvation Army. I've found all kinds of strange obsolete stuff there.